Nov 25, 2021
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Tony DiLorenzo is the Amazon bestselling author of 7 Days of Sex
Challenge, Connect Like You Did When You First Met, and other
books. Tony believe that the healthy combination of sex, love, and
commitment is more than the foundation of a strong marriage… it’s
the glue that will keep a marriage together.
Listen to his weekly podcast, ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show,
at OneExtraordinaryMarriage.com, where nothing is off limits when
it comes to the many aspects of marriage.
Tony has been married to his beautiful wife, Alisa, for 25 years
and together they have a son and a daughter. He lives in San Diego,
- 4:57 - Rainbows and Unicorns - "Twenty fourth anniversary. She
made a little post and she she just talked about, Hey, it was not
all rainbows and unicorns. And she said, Hey, we didn't know how to
be married. This is when you started. We didn't know how to
communicate with each other. We didn't know how to make our
relationship a priority. We didn't know how to juggle being parents
and being spouses. We didn't know to be each other's lover and
truly in those moments with one another. Basically, she goes on to
say, we still don't know. So as the leaders of one extraordinary
marriage, she she's she's goes public with it. We still don't know.
We're learning, we're growing"
- 8:38 - "I truly want men around me who I can call at the drop
of a hat and or text and just be like, Man, I need some prayer
right now. I need somebody to talk to. Can we just go like once a
month, just grab a coffee together? And I remember just praying
that prayer in and it didn't happen like overnight."
- 11:07 - Taking that time and reading to them in bed.
- 13:55 - Walk and talks
- 15:37 - We schedule sex and that's been a habit we've been
doing for 12 years now. Yeah. And that has kept our sexual intimacy
on course from all those years. We came to an agreement 12 years
ago that we wanted to have sex twice a week, and doing that has
really created an ability for us to engage one another when it
happens, which is great."
- 17:44 - We were never taught? Or does it teach us that we never
saw it? So we're looking up to those around us mentors, parents,
grandparents, whoever, and they never did it. So why would we?
The 6 Pillars of Intimacy: The Secret to an Extraordinary
- Emotional Intimacy
This Pillar involves a closeness created through sharing each
other's feelings, thoughts, and desires.
This is both verbal and non-verbal communication. It’s more than
just, “Can we talk?”
- Physical Intimacy
Think of this Pillar as every type of loving touch. This can be
holding hands, a hug, a kiss, or even cuddling.
You were designed to be touched. It's answering the question, "How
do you like to be touched?"
- Financial Intimacy
This Pillar is the sharing of your financial situation.
It's developing a plan for your finances, from how much you spend
on date night, to joint accounts, to planning for retirement. This
is more than,
"We need to talk about the budget..."
- Spiritual Intimacy
Think of this Pillar as religious beliefs and observed religious
practices. This can be as simple as praying together, going to
church together, or discussing
spiritual issues as a couple. This answers the question, "How are
we spiritual together?"
- Recreational Intimacy
What you do together at home, or on dates, or just for fun, is what
this Pillar is about. It's the plans the two of you make to spend
time together, doing things you enjoy. When this is working, you
don’t sit in the
driveway playing the "What do you want to do?" game.
- Sexual Intimacy
This is the Pillar that encompasses everything about your sexual
connection with your spouse. This can be romance, initiating,
foreplay, and sexual intercourse.
There’s no two ways about it: Sex is h-e-a-l-t-h-y. But this
intimacy goes way beyond, "Hey, wanna have sex?"
- 22:55 - "But as a couple, you look at them together and go,
which ones have cracks? Which ones are strong? And how do we
continue to strive and go after the extraordinary we desire?"
- 23:57 - Emotional intimacy, obviously our
verbal and nonverbal communication? How are we? How are we engaging
our spouse? And so for many, it's just what we get. We get caught
up in the day today. As dads, we get caught up in the day to day.
Is the provider taking care of the yard? Maybe our toys, maybe
wanting to go out to this or do that. But how are we really
engaging our spouse? What are we doing on the regular that allows
them to know that we're here and not just talk about laundry kid's
work? I think that's the big thing,
- 25:46 - We use the app, the Voxer app, even though we could
make a list and wait and talk about. And it's not just punch list
of get the groceries or do this is actually lets me hear her tone
and hear how is she doing, really? And then I can listen to that
when I'm, you know, when I get done with this recording with you or
is. So Voxer has been actually a tool that allows us to communicate
more and to understand her heart.
- 26:15 - Walk and talk, but it could be a driving and dive. It
could be a coffee chat, whatever that may be. That works for you
- 27:07 - Physical Intimacy - "All your loving touches. This is
not. This is does not mean sexual touch. This is like kisses
holding hands. Hand on the knee, cuddling, hugging."
- 28:45 - (Jeff) These do apply around dads to kids, as well as
husband to wife, because I mean, those first things. First of all,
we already talked about, like my desire for all four of my
daughters, is that I am intentional around putting my arm around
and giving them that morning hug when they come down again, the
hand on the knee that that emotionally they know that I want to
connect and hear their heart and what makes them feel loved. And
so. So we really can take this further than just our one